Episode 29/Transcript
Matthew: Good morning, ladies. Austin Cheerleader: Howdy. Staten Island Cheerleader: Hola papi. Matthew: Sprechen Sie sex? Than: Ugh, gross! Girls, ugh, oh, disgusting, my stomach, oh god it's hurting, oh what about you, Tanner? Tanner: Jonathan, shut the fuck up. Than: Oh man, is anyone else here jonesing for some dick? I've got like some major dick cravings right now. Matthew: Uh, listen, Jonathan, while we all commend your recent decision, I think it's time we all had a conversation about appropriateness. Than: Oh, I get it, you don't understand me. Look, Matt, you don't what it's like to be different! Matthew: First of all, nobody except my grandmama calls me Matt. Second, I'm a black man with no penis or testicles living in a wealthy Midwestern suburb. Different is the only thing I do understand! Blaine: Hey man, you know, if you ever want to talk about that I'm always here— Matthew: Nah, it's just this motherfucker right here pissing me off! (Matthew walks off) Than: Man, fucking breeders am I right? (Than tries to rest his arm on Tanner but he ends up falling) Tanner: Whoopsie! Jenna Dapananian: So, wait, do you know what's going on here? Brett: Well, as far as I can tell the bitchy blonde one can't curse because we're filming her for a TV show. Jenna Dapananian: What? Brett: The squeaky black haired one is losing her hair because of stress. Jenna Dapananian: Oh, that would explain the Vin Diesel joke. Brett: I think the head judge woman is having a nervous breakdown. Jeannie: How hard is it to understand the difference between fucking hazelnut and motherfucking caramel? How hard Angie? How fucking hard? Angie: Well, you know you actually— Jeannie: It was a rhetorical question you stupid little pube. Jenna Dapananian: Wow. Brett: And apparently because the little blue haired cheerleader betrayed you guys, the robot girl... well actually, I have no idea what she has to do with any of this. Jenna Dapananian: Okay, well, that didn't really help at all, but um, do you wanna just go, like, make out for a little bit or something? Brett: Uh, yeah, that'd be great! Let me go put this camera over here and then maybe we can— Producer: Hey dipshit, aren't you supposed to be filming this? Brett: Oh, right, sorry. Producer: "Oh, right, sorry". My foot your ass! Mackenzie: Um, Deandra why are you here? Deandra: I'm here to help you guys! Brittnay: Who said we needed any effing help? Deandra: "Effing"? Really? What did you suddenly adopt the vocabulary of Bob the Builder? Mackenzie: Brittnay can't curse because she's on a TV show. Brittnay: And Mackenzie can't curse because the stress is causing her hair to fall out. Deandra: So you mean you can't say fuck? Brittnay: No. Deandra: What about shit? Mackenzie: Nope. Deandra: Dick? Brittny: Uh-uh. Deandra: Cunt? Mackenzie: No. Deandra: Bitch? Brittnay: No. Deandra: Little cunty bitch? Mackenzie: No and no. Deandra: What about twat-snatcher? Brittnay: Who would ever even say that? Deandra: I've been workshopping it. Mackenzie: Wait, Deandra, if you didn't know all of this, then how did you know to come here. Deandra: Several weeks ago, (flashback is shown to Episode 18) I threw what I believed to be a tiny flasher into a fountain at Oak Park Mall. It turned out that flasher was not a flasher at all, but rather a small member of the Overland Park Cheer Squad, whom I remembered seeing just a few days earlier at an event that I can only describe as PiePocalypse 2013. Brittnay: What are you talking about? Deandra: That girl that betrayed you—I saw her talking to you and then I saw her talking to Tanya Berkowitz. So I put 3 and 7 together and well, now I'm here. Tanya: So... how are you going to help us? Deandra: You need a sixth member, right? Well, now you've got one. Brittnay: Um, problem. Deandra, you're not a cheerleader. Deandra: Not anymore I'm not. Not since PoopPocalypse 2011. Brittnay: Ok, must you name every event that you're involved in a type of pocalypse? Deandra: Yes, ever since NamePocalypse 2008. Mackenzie: Moving on. What are you talking about Deandra? When were you a cheerleader? Deandra: I wasn't just any cheerleader. I was the back handspring specialist and head cheerleader of the Atchison High Lady Jaguars. Brittnay: (laughs) What about Tanya Berkowitz? Deandra: (laughs) Tanya Berkowitz was nothing more than a junior varsity bimbo who could barely do a somersault. (flashback is shown) Then I took her under my wing. Taught her everything that she knows. Watched her work her way all the way up to middle left of the pyramid. Life was good. Then one day, it all changed. I had been battling a chronic case of IBS and before the big homecoming game, I had eaten three chili dogs and washed them down with a Mountain Dew. Code Red. Code Red Mountain Dew. It was pretty popular back then. Some might argue that its popularity usurped that of Regular Mountain Dew. I would argue the former but— Brittnay: (present) Okay okay. We get it! Get back to the story! Deandra: Everything would have been fine, (flashback) but just before halftime, Tanya Berkowitz handed me a package of Pop Rocks! I was in a hurry, so I swallowed them super fast, allowing most of the Rocks to enter my digestive system unpopped. Halfway through the cheer, we formed a pyramid. Me on top of course. As I gazed out over my kingdom of popularity, the Mountain Dew and corn dogs coalesced with the pastrami quesadilla I had for lunch somewhere in my lower intestine. Ignited by the pop rocks, I had what we in the IBS community call a "whoopsie poopsie". Mackenzie: (present) Oh my god, you pooped your pants. Deandra: Yes, I pooped my pants. (flashback) And then I pooped outside of my pants. And then I pooped on my cheer squad. And then I pooped on everything within a thirty foot radius. Then I pooped on the city— Brittnay: (present) Oh, oh my god please stop, I'm gonna be sick. (covers mouth) Ulp! Deandra: When you pressure-blast Mountain Dew out of your anus it's not easily forgotten! After that, I was ruined. I wasn't just the girl who pooped her pants. I was the girl who monster dumped on two prom court members, a candy cane princess and the junior class treasurer! I had to leave. I had to reinvent myself. So I came to Overland Park. (flashback to episode 1) Where my first order of business was to always find a bathroom to poop in. And that is where I met you Mackenzie Zales, oh so long ago. Mackenzie: Wow. Brittnay: I'm still not really sure why you told us that story. Deandra: Because I'm tired of running from my past, handjob girl! Tired of lying about who I am. I'm not gonna let the Tanya Berkowitzes of the world push me around anymore! She ruined my life once. It's not gonna happen again. Jenna Dapananian: Well, I mean, she wasn't really to blame— Deandra: Who the fuck carries Pop Rocks around in high school, girl that I don't know? She knew what she was doing, Tanya Berkowitz is going down. Tanya: Oh am I? Deandra, I didn't realize there was a Full Metal Alchemist convention in town. Deandra: Oh funny, I've never heard that one before. (looks into the camera) Ever. Taylor: I know you're not here to help the Overland Park Cheer Squad. Tanya: After all, it would be a shame if everyone found out your little secret. Brittnay: Well actually we just heard the whole story. Mackenzie: Corn dogs, pop rocks, she pooped all over you guys and you forced her into exile. Tanya: But, how? Deandra: I told them! So I guess we're at... eat a dick? Trisha 2: Yeah, I don't know, some people find it annoying if I gasp too much. Trisha: (gasps) Me too! (They take turns gasping and Trisha starts choking) Trisha 2: OMG, are you okay? Trisha: OMG I'm okay. Trisha: Oh, I guess we're doing this now. Trisha 2: Oh, yeah. Mackenzie: Well, Tanya, it looks like your little plan to ruin our chances has failed. Tanya: Don't be so sure, Mackenzie. You may have found a sixth member, but we're going on next. And don't be surprised if our routine looks a little familiar. Ashley: Uh yeah, I uh, I taught them your whole routine and now we're gonna do it. The routine. Taylor: They get that, Ashley. Only head cheerleaders are supposed to be talking right now. So go over there and stand with the rest of the miscellaneous squad members. Jeannie: I'm sorry, girls, which one of you is Tanya Berkowitz? Tanya: Oh that would be me, Miss Halverstad. Pleased to meet your acquaintance. Jeannie: Charmed. I'm here to inform you that your squad is up next. I understand you have quite the routine prepared. Tanya: Oh well, all I can say is that it is a true original. Jeannie: I'm looking forward to it. Girls, have any of you seen my fellow judge, Bert Hickey? He seems to have gone missing at a most inopportune moment. (mumbling from the crowd) Of course not. Tanya, have your squad ready in two minutes. Angie! Go find Bert for me. And when you find him, tell him if he ever goes MIA again, I'll be carrying his testicles around in my vintage Chanel clutch for the rest of his natural born life. Got it? Angie: Yes, ma'am. Jeannie: Good luck ladies! Tanya: Well, Mackenzie, it was fun while it lasted. But if you'll excuse us, I think I hear a national championship calling my name. C'mon girls! (laughs while the Atchison High Cheer squad walks away) Mackenzie: And we're back to being screwed! Deandra: Maybe not! Brittnay: Really, Mega Man? Because they just stole our entire cheer routine! Jenna Dapananian: The tumbling! Saison: The choreography! Mackenzie: Even the pyramid. Deandra: Well, maybe we lose the pyramid. Mackenzie: Lose the pyramid? Lose the big finale of the entire routine? And what do you suggest we do, Deandra? Because as far as I can tell, the only talents you have are eating junk food, and then pooping said junk food back out in the most violent of manners. Deandra: Now that may be true. But I do have one other talent that may be of use.